My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
You Might Also Like
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*