it’s the silliest best thing
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.