My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Yeah. This was me today.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.