Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
You Might Also Like
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.