Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
#winning
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.