God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Holy crap this is wonderful
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Swedish for common sense.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.