In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.