One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
You Might Also Like
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.