Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Godspeed, John Glenn