How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My dress code is business-casualty.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
How wrong was this guy?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women