I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’