I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Simple enough.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.