A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The two types of wives
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
SPLOOT
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.