Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please