flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
huge if true: the moon
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation