Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
You know…for fall…
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.