Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Mmmm canned fish.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
The old gods are rising again.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”