i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards