I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
decorating my apartment
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”