<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.