Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
remember
only for emergencies
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.