My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Body by Oreos
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…