ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite