I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….