Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.