Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.