Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.