My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.