Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?