I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Ugh
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.