getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Guilty! 🤪
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”