I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine