Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.