“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*