I feel it
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy