Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.