Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
You had me at “define legal”.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.