Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.