@That_Damn_Duck

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@That_Damn_Duck

Look, I’m not saying it’s you, all I’m saying is that it’s definitely not me.

@That_Damn_Duck

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

@That_Damn_Duck

How I wear a scarf:

1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder

2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.

3. Repeat

@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!