Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]