@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@TheAlexNevil

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

@TheAlexNevil

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

@TheAlexNevil

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!