Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*washes up on a deserted island
*swims back out to sea
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!