Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

@TheAlexNevil: Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@TheAlexNevil: Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

@TheAlexNevil: They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

@TheAlexNevil: First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing...well...I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@TheAlexNevil: When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

@TheAlexNevil: *holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

@TheAlexNevil: Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

@TheAlexNevil: Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three