If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating