Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
