6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name