“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.