Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.