I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*