if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!