Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”