Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.