Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
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son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.