Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of TheBeerGuy73's best tweets

@TheBeerGuy73 : Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

@TheBeerGuy73: Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

@TheBeerGuy73: My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex's car.

@TheBeerGuy73: A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

@TheBeerGuy73: *smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

@TheBeerGuy73: Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

@TheBeerGuy73: The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn't stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@TheBeerGuy73: Wife: Let's get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I'll be on the couch.

@TheBeerGuy73: My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

@TheBeerGuy73: A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.